“Where were you when…” It is a question typically asked regarding moments that continue to impact people long after their seconds run out. Being in Haiti during the past couple of years has left me with no shortage of such moments. My head is left spinning in the most recent event running congruent to the end of my work time in Haiti, and I am once again reminded of a few things.

In the early hours of this morning (July 7), President Jovenel Moïse First was assassinated and First Lady Martine was shot in their home. The First Lady is being transported to the United States at this time to receive medical treatment. As a result, all planes are grounded and flights are postponed. The country has entered into a chaotic lock down of sorts, with several outbreaks of conflicts. Roads are blocked to many cities. Port-au-Prince is more intense than it ever has been since my arrival in January 2019. Some mourn the loss of the president. Some do not consider it a loss at all. Some are just trying to secure their safety to make it to tomorrow. And all of us are left holding a breath heavy with uncertainty for what comes next. As we’ve learned over the past couple of years, there is a high chance of things getting uglier before any healing is allowed to occur. 

For many of us expats on the ground, bearing witness to a country in the wake of presidential assassination is unprecidented. It is still too new a situation to have the proper scope in terms of processing it all. In some regards, we have little choice but to go with it. I was scheduled to be on a plane heading home this weekend, but to be frank, it is unlikely the situation will be resolved by then. It, like so many other times here, is completely out of my hands. I am considerably privileged that the biggest impact of this event is that I may have to change my flight plans. It is in that perspective that I can breathe through these moments, keep my loved ones informed, and hold onto hope with my Haitian community here.

The government has released an official statement placing a State of Siege order on the country for 15 days. However, Haiti does not have a legitimate army presence, only a police force with different branches. It is therefore uncertain how the order can be carried out. There is also ambiguity around who can/should be heading the country as the interim leader. There is a Prime Minister, but he was never duly installed by Moïse. As an alternative, the head of the Supreme Court could have taken over and run elections in a few months, but he died due to Covid recently. Moïse fired many of the government members who could have made moves to decide the next course of action. Essentially, while the few who remain in offices have called for the siege, there is little in place to enable them to effectively carry it out.

The Dominic Republic has shut down its borders, and there is currently no air traffic between the two countries. The land between the two is being heavily guarded by the DR military and only Dominicans as well as high level diplomats have authorization to go into the country. This means it is not currently an option were an emergency evacuation necessary that needed to touch down there. 

This has increased the stress of certain members currently seeking refuge in response to the State of Siege order. Human rights activists as well as other public figures who have spoken against Moïse or his policies fear the order will afford the government unchecked power to search any home or institution without a warrant. In the most extreme scenario, they fear for their lives. With roads blocked, and the Dominican Republic not currently an option, many people involved in the heat of politics in Port-au-Prince are in a dangerous position should the government follow through on the warrantless searches. 

The assassination comes at a critical time for Haiti, as Covid cases are on a borderline catastrophic rise. The lack of vaccine availability is appalling. The WHO told Moïse he could accept the double dose vaccines, or Haiti could pay for their own. The late president’s reason for not wanting a double dose is the challenge presented in getting people to return for the second dose. Many people who live in remote places would find it difficult to come back or be motivated to receive the second dose. Several people are now petitioning President Biden to send vaccines down in order to offer some assistance. Another reality is the severe lack of resources, space, and caregivers for those greatly afflicted by the virus. 

The problems currently facing Haiti should not be centralized to Port-au-Prince. People in outlying communities and in the countryside are facing just as many threats, they just come in the form of illness and hunger. Market prices are steadily on the rise, while the value of the Haitian gourde continues to deplete. With ongoing road blocks in various places, it makes it difficult to have a steady flow of trade goods and necessary products that promote sustainability to various regions. It is a critical time for the country, and viable solutions need to be worked toward for a sustainable future. 

I expect little less than chaos in the coming weeks for Haiti and that concerns me for the people I love here. It is a 180 from how I would leave this beloved island. I cannot tell you what all comes next. I hope with everything I have and am that I am proven wrong, that a peaceful resolution is swift to come, that my loved ones here can move into a future of peace and security, and that this dark day does not long extend its reach into the coming weeks. I hope for this, but I cannot assure anyone of it. 

I will encourage people not to lose hope. Haiti has weathered many political hardships, unstable ground, and internal conflict. In the most recent storm here, we do what we can to remain grounded in each other and remain determined to seek out brighter days. For now, it is taking it step by step and doing what we can to look out for one another. Remembering each other’s sacredness as humans is paramount to working through this. To look, not with pity, but with love to the other.

I ask that as you are able, you uplift Haiti and her people in your thoughts and prayers. We pray for peace, we pray for healing, we pray for a tomorrow full of light for the people of Haiti. We pray for those who lost a father, child, brother to such violence and their grief. To all of you, please continue to stay safe, be kind, and know you are loved. As we are able, we will keep our communities apprised of the situation as it develops. 

Y’all really thought I wouldn’t be on this clichè trend? As with my writing style, I’m sometimes as basic as a Hallmark Christmas movie. Here’s my reflection on making my first quarter century.

And because you also probably know I have a love affair with words, here’s a table of content, read what you want, skip the rest, and always know you’re loved!

• 5 Influential Facets of My Life
• 5 Reasons I’m Grateful for Younger Me
• 10 Greatest Life Lessons so Far
• 5 Goals for Older Me

My Most Influential Facets

Family

• Obviously I have to start with the most important people in my life. I could do an entire blog dedicated to these amazing humans, but I’ll try to keep it compact (key word is try here, Mom!).
• You know those cookie cutter families you see on TV, where they’re squeaky clean and only slightly dysfunctional and they always wrap up their problems in an episode? Yeah, that’s not my family, and I don’t know why anyone would want it that way. Perfection is an impossible standard to try to live up to.
  • Nah, my humans are the real deal. We argue and disagree with as passionately as we love and support one another. My kick ass sense of sarcasm is genetic on both sides, sorry if that shocks you when you first see us together, I swear it’s our family love language! Every step of my life, major and minor, this loud, mad supportive, brilliant group of humans has been with me and cheered for me. From the first steps, which Mom would say were sprints, to the first words, which everyone would say never really stopped, to this moment while I am thousands of miles away and we talk every few days and share life together an ocean apart, it’s the most authentic form of love I get to experience.

My parents were my first instructors in love and safety, and they continue to be my rocks. My siblings were my first instructors in negotiation, laughter, and play. They’ve continued to model for me in the hard work, dedication, and above all, putting love into this world for family and other humans. Their partners are all just as amazing and together, each respective couple sets a high standard for love and health in marriage. Their tiny humans have been the greatest teachers of love I’ve been blessed to witness. I would not love as much as I do without them, nor know as much wonder in this world, nor have as great of laughter and freedom. They are my reminders to see the world more purely and take time for the little things that give us joy in life. I try to be an example of a human trying her best at this thing called life; they are great motivators.

Yeah, I am so blessed they’re mine! This wonderful, chaotic, sassy, beautiful, messy, intelligent, and totally supportive Belt family of mine.

• As a major bonus and blessing, I have over 50 cousins from all my aunts and uncles. We may not always see eye to eye, but I love them crazy and am so excited to see how each of them do life. Extra blessing, one of my cousin’s honored me by asking me to be Godmom to her beautiful little boy and it is such a great blessing 🙂

Hype Squad – the Best Friends I’m blessed are mine

• • Paige – From our first day freshman year, getting lost on the way to PE, through sharing stories and a love of the written word, she was the first genuine best friend I was blessed to call mine. I believe this girl will keep conquering demons and change the world with her words.
  • Vivian – This always stylish, gloriously traveled, queen was quick to follow in the sport that changed my life. She is one of the strongest women I’m blessed to know and her heart is absolutely amazing. Any time we are together is light, happy, and sincere.
  • Tisha – My wild child friend, who is now a beautiful mother and wifey. She’s taught me so much about resilience and never fails to make me smile. She is tough when she needs to be, and loves hardcore always.
  • Panya – My go to for commiserating about the challenges and unexpected comings of our beloved field. He’s also one I know will always celebrate the success of that same field. To know him is to know a great light and energy.

• Cortney – This girl. I could not have gotten this far into mission without our frequent Snap updates and hour plus calls as we update one another on life and work. She is another hardcore lover with a wicked wit and her support and understanding is invaluable.

• Jillian – Although we’re the same age, save for a few months, she’s one of the purest people I know, and I have a propensity to be protective because of her light. She loves and listens beautifully and just carries joy with her everywhere. My first year of mission was hard in so many ways, she has been a huge part of why round two has been exponentially better.

Again, I could write partial novellas about each of these fabulous humans and all they mean to me, or why I wish you someone like them in your life, but I will say that my life would be much dimmer and lesser without them in it. I would not be challenged as much to grow, nor uplifted so well in the lows, and I’d certainly be lonely in the silence that would fill where our laughter belongs without them. They’ve all seen me in some of my lowest moments and loved me through them. They’re my persons and will be in my life for what I’m blessed with it. I love who we’re all becoming now and look excitedly to where we’re going. Whatever comes, I am exceedingly blessed in continuing to walk this life with them.

Faith

• I am a cradle Catholic. I was baptized two days after I was born, on my Grandma’s birthday. I first felt called to mission when I was 14 and for the first time actually took to heart what Sr. Ursula was talking about with the little boxes we would get to put in money to help families around the world. You know the ones that talk about $2 buys milk for a whole month for a family of four? It sparked a fire within me that has never gone out. I dove hardcore into my faith and began to deepen my relationship with Christ. Obviously, despite my many, many, many stumbles, the Beloved and I worked it out and now I am in Haiti. It is wonderful, scary, beautiful, chaotic, and stunningly life-giving. I have been broken in the best way, because I cannot help but love better knowing this country and her amazing people. I will carry what I have been taught here with me forever.
• I will add this, because it is important to know where one stands in the faith they profess. I am a Catholic Christian, and the same God I was taught about and truly love, made us all different and beautifully so with intent. God is pro POC, pro gay, pro immigrant, pro woman, pro child, and pro you. God is pro human, even when we make mistakes, because that is the unfathomable love of our Divine Creator. I will make no apologies for backing and loving other humans who deserve as much love and happiness as I do. I will stand in my belief that Christ calls me to love people, appreciate they’re imperfect like me, and use what time I am blessed with to root love and light in their lives.
• My faith, rooted in Catholicism, pushes me to love and live better, because I desire to be like Christ. I fail a lot, yet he’s always there to help me up, even when it is entirely my fault for not listening. If I achieve nothing else in life but I can honor him by loving, serving, and uplifting others, what a truly beautiful bouquet I may lay at his feet someday! All I have in life I owe to God, and I remain among all people, most richly blessed.

Thirst for Knowledge

• I never get tired of learning, and I love that I can do it with everyone, womb to after tomb.
• The first book I fell in love with is Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. Yes, that does explain my writing, get off me 😉
• The book I love most is Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. It changed my perspective on life and is honestly one most young adults should read.
• I think one of the most freeing things in the world is getting over the mentality that you should be good at something to enjoy it. I love painting. You would not non-ironically buy my artwork. It gives me life to do and helps me process everything. Whatever it is for you, do it because it makes you happy, because it gives you life. You also learn a lot about yourself this way, and how beautiful that is!
• Every single day you’re alive is a chance to learn something, about the earth, others, yourself. Take advantage of that gift.

Athletics

• I’ve been in athletics since I was four. It helped me so much in developing discipline, teamwork, responsibility, courage, and dignity. It helped me cover university and brought in goals and hopes I’d otherwise not get to enjoy and achieve.
• My various sports granted me some of the greatest examples of men and women into my life and I will forever be grateful for the teammates and coaches I met along the way. Especially my college teammates, without whom life would not be as sweet, especially my endearing throws squad.
• In particular, I owe much thanks to Kortney and Chelsea. These girls continue to be such gifts in my life and are life-giving humans. The bond created in the sport we love is lasting, and I am continually in awe of how they grow and set this world on fire.
• I fully plan on keeping up with my kids if and when I am blessed with them. So I appreciate this one body I have to live this one life I’m given, and enjoy the competitive side of myself.
• You’re worth celebrating what your amazing body can do, get out and have fun friends!

Grateful for Goose

This Goose flew. My childhood nickname continues to be appropriate. The little bleach blonde, fearless, opinionated, rambunctious child I was set the foundation for my curiosity for the world and the lives within it. I also discovered mom’s chocolate chip cookies (which will always be the best in the world, no cap). I’ll always appreciate that little girl who knew only discovery in the barefoot summers at mom’s daycare and across grandpa’s land.

Forgiveness is a brave form of love. Grade-school was not my cup of tea socially. I developed a lot of unhealthy habits regarding how I viewed myself. I was bullied a lot, and regretfully, was quick to act in like fashion. Younger me survived a toxic environment, one I sometimes contributed to. I learned how to truly forgive. Both myself and others. My classmates and I were still learning how to be good humans to one another, and did not yet appreciate the unnecessary weight of pain and anger. Now, as a result of learning how to let go of such weight, it is possible, and usually even easy, to want the best for others, even when I am hurt by them.

Worthy of Love. Ask my family, a great deal of their stress for me comes in how damn hard I can be on myself. I expect a lot of myself, sometimes too much. Those last three words, until I was 19, would never come out of my mouth. Perfectionism is so toxic, homies. And it was my poison of choice for a long time. I was only as good as the grade I made in class, the PR I achieved in track, and/or the number on a scale. I hated myself, and put my worth in what I did. Making peace with myself in a world like ours is an ongoing need. I started in my last teen year to really embrace the beautifully flawed human I am. I have her to thank for starting that journey to true self-love. I admitted what was killing me, got help, and in the uglier side of self-love, began to heal what hurt me.

How best to love someone is as unique as them. Everyone is different in their love language. I used to get so upset because people didn’t respond to the ways I chose to love them in the way I wanted. It took time to understand that I had to stop expecting people to love in the way I do, humble myself, and learn how they need/see love. This act opened the door to a more genuine love of others than I had access to before. My younger self, through much trial and error, found genuine ways to sew love into this world, see others where they are and where they have potential to go. It has been a great blessing and privilege to know and love the people that have walked with me in this life. I continue to learn that every single person can teach me something, if I’m humble enough, and what a beautiful gift it continues to be!

The Power in Staying. The most difficult and most important choice I ever made was deciding I could wait another breath, then another, then another. I was 17 on the brink of falling completely, and had no idea what all would come. I chose to stay, to wait, and to trust that I would get through that storm, those hurts, and those fears. 17 year old me continues to be one of the bravest women I’ve ever known. Had I not decided to breathe, I would never have made 18, let alone 25. I’m forever proud of that scared, scarred, and exhausted kid because of it, because of how she clung to hope despite the storm around her.

*

Lessons to 25 and Beyond

Every human is sacred. It’s in their nature. As such, irrespective of personal disagreements, life views, creeds, backgrounds, any facet of our lives: every single person warrants dignity and respect. When we choose to see that in them, it makes love infinitely easier than hate/fear.

Prioritize the people in your life and love them hard. You only get a set amount of time with each of them, so make it count! People need to come before work, tasks, and any materials. Always.

Prioritize yourself. Listen homie, you are not selfish for taking care of your needs. One of the greatest forms of love is to take care of yourself. That means recognizing, acknowledging, and meeting your needs, especially when it’s hard. You cannot adequately love others if you do not start with yourself. Love yourself and do it hardcore, you are worthy of it.

Mental illness does not mean you’re broken. I was terrified to start talking to a professional. It’s not weakness and you’re not a failure. Actually, one of the strongest things you can do is get help. Just as any other bodily illness needs support, your mental struggle is worthy of aid, and it does not mean you’re unwanted, unloved, or undeserving of appropriate help.

We’ve as much capacity for love as we do hate. People are mostly good. Not a single person walking this earth today is perfect. I am forever reminding myself to grace others. Aside from their humanity and it’s spectrum of capacity, I have no idea what battles they are facing. I fail a lot because I can be way too judgemental. Yet when I take a step back, it becomes easier to let my pendulum swing toward sewing love instead of hate, and rooting for them both in the moment and where they have potential to soar.

Get scared, and dare to say yes! Adventure is often begun or deepened by deciding to push ourselves and take jumps. If we’re comfortable, I seldom find that we’re doing life right. This looks different for everyone. For my dad, who I know will read this, it’s trying those recipes I’m about to throw at you, because YOU CAN DO IT HOMIE 😉 For me, it’s continuing to follow the at times crazy path God calls me to and trust even more in that call. If it’s wrecking your life in great ways by decluttering, or wearing the purple socks instead of the normal black, or finally talking to that person, heckin go for it dude! Get scared and find your adventure! Kick ass, learn, laugh, and live this one life you have to live with everything you’ve got! (Yes, I sound like a basic-white-girl Home Goods sign, don’t come for me, haha!) Realize you have as much chance of success as you do failing, and that as long as you’re learning and experiencing, it is not a failure wasted.

Know your way home. For me, this means a beige and burgundy zig-zag home in insignificant-to-many Wichita, Kansas. It means parents who never stop loving me. It means 10 of the most amazing tiny-to-towering little humans I love so much and will forever be inspired by and their parents who have taught me more than I could ever fully appreciate. It is friends who never stop showing me better ways to uplift others and breathe in the good of the world while processing the muck. It also means home to a place with Christ. Y’all likely know me, I fail so hard sometimes. I run from the grace because I lie to myself and believe I don’t deserve the Beloved’s love and forgiveness. I stop talking. I stop trying. Then, when I get over myself, I find my way back, and every time He’s there. It is important to remember the love I come from. Even if you don’t believe in God, or have a similar beautifully chaotic, sassy, loving family, I hope you know the people in your life who love you, where you are safe and can be 100% who you are. You do deserve it, and if you need, I’ll leave the light on for you.

Let that ish go. Whatever that thing is that is dragging you down, or keeping you from following your dreams, let it go. The job that’s not giving you life, move on and say bye. The excuses keeping you from your potential, you have my full blessing and encouragement to give the bird and achieve your happiness. That hurt that’s been draining you, chuck it over your shoulder and find ways to heal. Sometimes that means forgiving people who will never say they are sorry. It’s so hard, but you have to let it go. At times, it means making painful goodbyes with people who are holding you back. It doesn’t mean you stop loving them, it does mean that you do it from a safe distance while you both grow at your own rate. Stop living like you have time to take for granted. Let go of what and who does not support you and your goals. Let go of what does not empower you to make the most of your one life.

Know your worth. Do you ever get tired of convincing yourself you’re less than you are, because same. This, like so many of these lessons, is ongoing. You owe it to yourself to know your worth and not settle for less than you deserve. Dignity and respect are the bare minimum we deserve as people. For me, it is a work-in-progress to stop putting my worth and happiness in other’s hands. I am responsible for my own happiness and it is on no one else to tell me I am good enough, or smart enough, or strong enough. I used to cringe at the thought of saying, “I am good.” Let me say it for you if you cannot yet say it of yourself. You’re not alone, you are loved, you are good, and, hot damn, are you enough! EXACTLY AS YOU ARE! YOU. ARE. ENOUGH! Never achieve that next level of school? You’re enough. Never get to that other country? You’re enough. Never learn another language? You’re enough. Never do that next big something? You. Are. Enough.

Your worth is not in what you do. It is in who you choose to be every day. You will not get it right every time, but if you love and live to the best of your ability, then you’re doing great babe. Sometimes if that means you got out of bed that day, you freaking crushed it and I’m v (very) proud! If it means you remembered to eat, you are a damn rockstar! If it means you looked in that mirror and saw yourself with love, kindness, and forgiveness, what a boss! It means taking a very human crack at this whirlwind trip called life. And that life warrants your priceless value human. You are worthy. You are good. You are loved.

5 Goals for My Becoming

• Leave a legacy of love – the greatest accomplishment I could hope to achieve.
  • In the next 5 trips round the sun, I hope that I become someone 5, 10, 15, 20, and this 25 year old Abby hoped for.
  • I pray the way I love now is but a shadow of how much better I will love at 30.
  • The tiny to tall size (which I NEED more pics with my tallers!) humans who have my heart, will know more support, laughs, and occasional embarrassment via my love for them.
  • I hope the siblings and I who are getting to see and know each other as adults will love and listen to one another better. I will forever be their kid sister cheerleader!
  • The students I have here in Haiti, and the ones I anticipate excitedly upon my return to the states will have a safe space with me, and a cheerleader who believes in them.
  • However I can, as tirelessly and intentionally as I can, those whom I meet, who I know, who I love, who I love but don’t like, and those I’ve yet to know truly, I want to love them with abandon and all of myself. I want people to know love by knowing me.

• Pay off my student loans and make more investments.
  • I am not ashamed to have debt, it happens to a lot of folks.
  • I am determined to be rid of this weight by the time I am 30 (shoutout budgets and determination!).
  • I also want to learn more about investments and continue to plan for my future.
  • It is doable, so the grind stays on!
• Be kinder
  • I can be very impatient, and judgemental, and just not the best human sometimes. Overall, I want to do more to be the reason someone smiles that day.
  • It also includes myself, which is honestly the harder work for me. I want to better love myself the way I love others.
• Learn More
  • May I stay humble and know everyone’s a teacher of something if I look, listen, and wait well enough.
  • I plan on starting my Master’s next year. Y’all, pray for me!

• Embrace the Possibility of Success as much as I do Failure
• So I am terrified of failing in life. Of failing my family, my friends, my work family, and the little girl who had no fear, only pursuit of what sparks the wonder in the world.
• I own that, but I also want to be better about adding a powerful “What If” to the list that would hold me back, “But what if you succeeded?”
• It’s a whole mentality change, and I’m happy to report I am slowly getting there.
• Ultimately, I am more and more deciding I don’t have time to give fear of failure, instead I will feed the hope and potential of success. I will look at the times I do fail or flail or stumble as moments where I am afforded an opportunity to learn, as painful as some will be, and I will grow with that water.
• Afterall, if I love hardcore and others know more love, support, laughter, and light with me in life, what a mad successful story I get to keep weaving!

I am a mess sometimes and imperfect and goofy and so many crazy wondrous things as a Kansas kid living life on this beautiful island. I love this life and who I am becoming. Whoever you are, wherever you, I pray you know you are loved, important, and there is a wonderfully flawed sunflower sending you the sun and support you need. May the laughter be greater, the life fuller, and the love ever deeper for you. Peace and Agape homies!

Sometimes it’s like drowning, my anxiety. Drowning in a room with more than enough air to breathe, while everyone around is none the wiser. And being a lover of company, depression is never far behind it. Mission in an overseas setting has asked more from me than at any other point in my life. Buckle up folks, this is a heavy, deep, and real blog update. If you’re not overly fond of real, hard emotions, skip this one for us both.

 Overseas mission is not an eternal walk in sunshine, and I’m leary of people in this line of life who portray it as such. Sometimes it is raw. And painful. And the most difficult thing I continue to willingly do. It’s occasionally going in the span of a day from feeling totally confident in what I’m doing and how I’m communicating and who I am, to feeling like an epic failure who doesn’t make a difference or understand enough or do enough and should just throw in the towel. It’s feeling the weight of what is going on in my host country and questioning so much my place in all the muck from there to here. It’s having to work even harder against the stigmas generated by my fellow US Americans who put themselves repeatedly before everyone else. Then doubling that when working against the stigmas generated by voluntourists and “I’ll give you food for Jesus” type missionaries who prosthelytize in place of getting in the dirt with their brothers and sisters, asking the needs before assuming them, like Christ modeled so deeply in the Gospels they’re using to ‘save.’ It’s tempering the frustration at such institutions for not recognizing everywhere human is, God already exists in various ways, and will continue to do so after they depart. It’s the feeling of sinking ever deeper under the massing injustice in the world I see, I voice, and I rage against within the confines of my single personhood.

It’s missing my family so much sometimes I have to practice my sister’s favored diaphragmatic breathing exercises so I don’t cry. It’s sometimes crying anyway because it’s warranted. The sacrifice of not seeing my beloved tiny humans grow and learn and love and laugh in person often weighs heavy on me. I knew objectively that I signed up for it, I knew it would be hard, but there was no way to calculate the toll of that physical absence. It’s missing the friends from home who were almost instantaneously family to me, and celebrating their successes in person, and being there when life goes sideways. A few times, like in the hottest part of the year, I miss the little things like warm showers and air conditioning and easy-to-access authentic ice cream.

Mission is spread across a broad spectrum of experiences and the emotions that accompany them. And if I allow myself to spiral because I’m not an emotionless robot, it becomes too much. I get anxious about who I am here, who God’s calling me to be, and if in that call I will be enough. I get depressed about the hot damn mess of world we live in right now. And then I sometimes feel like I can’t feel those things or be sad or frustrated because I chose this life, and should therefore accept what comes with it without any problem.

And then, in keeping a promise I made seven years ago, I look for the light in my void. On the days I self-deprecate, I see pictures of my people and their happiness, or I ask my sisters (by blood or marriage) to send me new photos of the best kids I know and love. Most recently, my mom and dad send updates on the magnificent miniature schnauzers they just adopted – holy heart strings! I joke with Jill and Sami about crazy childhood stories of my goofball side, which usually results in a laugh. Or we watch a movie as a community. I go out to watch the kids play at recess, or lean back from my laptop to watch the MBB scholars interact with each other. I see and breathe in the insignificant-to-the-rest-of-the-world moments of happy or crazy or silly and I step away from the spiral.

I am sickened and enraged seeing more human persons brutalized by dirty cops because they have more melanin. I’m disgusted I’m only now learning about the thousands of Indigenous women who continue to disappear, be raped and murdered while the rest of the US and Canada strum about their business. I am unapologetically livid about this era’s Holocaust happening to our Muslim brothers and sisters, right now, with slow moving action to end it.

And then I’m inspired, encouraged, and so proud of the generations I split (Millennial & Gen Z) by their activism and work to educate and rally to support other humans. I am overwhelmed in the best ways seeing members of the older generation brave enough to stand with us, help fund us, encourage us, and work to make sure our legacy is one worth leaving.

These are the US Americans I try to emulate in how I choose to engage with people who look and speak differently than I do, but know love and kindness and dreams and hopes with the same capacity as me. The Christians standing against these injustices, going to be allies at rallies, refusing to be silent in correcting those who would use their faith to attack anyone, and especially my fellow Catholics, who are frankly sick of the hypocrisy and indifference running rampant in our Church and doing something about it. These brave people, who know how hard we have to work to return beauty and respect to the name Christian, inspire me in how I sew agape into the world. Especially in acknowledging times of ignorance, bigotry, and fault in a personal and collective way. It pushes me to be accountable when I act against what I hold to be true, when I act against what Christ stands for and asks of us. These really good humans show great examples on how to let Jesus love through me, and it starts with truly seeing and hearing others and remembering the good within me.

I mess up, so much. I can be impatient, too assertive, and skeptical. I doubt myself more than any other person possibly could. And then, I see God in this place and these people. I see humans putting others before themselves without a second thought. I see kids laugh and grow and learn. I have those not-so-fun conversations with God; and I work to forgive myself. Sometimes the only honest prayer I can offer the Beloved is “I want to trust.” St. Augustine was known to say something to the effect “I want to give this up, but not yet.” In like fashion, I want to breathe fully trusting God’s plan for me, but I have some growing to do before I get there, and I’m okay with that.

When I’m giving myself an inner beating because I expect more of myself than a flawed human can do or be, Christ enters a major vulnerable moment with me. To illustrate, if you were to separate me into the whole Abby, with my anxiety existing as a shadow entity, Christ comes mid beatdown to hold both our hands. My anxiety is a part of who I am, and I could no sooner severe it than my fantastic sense of humor (please feel free to roll your eyes or tsk or laugh at that)… Christ wants all of me, even the exceptionally messy parts. In a good place, a little anxiety isn’t unhealthy, and can serve us well. My brain’s just wired to overfill the cup with it sometimes. Yet, when life goes from easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy to stressy-messy-lemon-zesty, I find the reasons to smile (like a ridiculously cheesy expression), stay, and ask for help. I find new ways back to Christ and to the life I continue to love, one which blesses me so much.

We got to start back at school last Monday, which is a major gift. We’re full swing into trying to wrap up last school year, and MBB scholars are back in action at the center! They’re all required to wear masks in schools, though some places are not really enforcing it. I started writing a novel, because I love adding lighter fluid to the inferno, haha… It’s going well and I’m feeling confident in my writing again. My Maryknoll community here is well for the most part and we’re getting through life in it’s glorious uncertainty here together. I can’t promise you when the next of these things will be out, but I can promise you between now and then, you’re in my prayers and I believe in you. If you don’t see it in yourself, or because we all need a reminder sometimes, you are appreciated, you are important, and you are enough. If you never get that next-big-something done or achieved, you’re enough. If you never hit that next level, you’re enough. God didn’t put you here without great reason. Keep figuring it out! And you’re amazing for asking for help. We’re hardwired to lean on one another and it’s one of the greatest lies we buy into believing we get through this alone. No one does. Find your persons, and check in on your “okay” friends. Love patiently and ardently.

To wrap it up, please do all you can to stay educated in these times. I know I personally like to try to put people in molds of preconceived ideas about them. I also know I have to work to let them break those molds, surprise me, and be a beautifully flawed fellow human. Break some molds folks, including the one you try to put yourself in, and have fun doing it. Stand against injustice, by research, by action, by support. Sign petitions and take a vested interest in what’s going on in the world. It’s mad scary and painful sometimes, but it’s also inspiring and it’s fluid – we can change things. Your role in that is never insignificant. Do what you can, learn what you can, see what good you can. A good place to start such journeys is with prayer. Pray for the racial injustices in the States and the world. Pray for Indigenous peoples, especially the women being stolen and harmed. Pray ardently for our Muslim brothers and sisters losing their lives and dignity for their beliefs in China and around the world. We cannot afford to be silent or indifferent in all of this.

Be well. Agape.

The first ideas of making masks started in Kay (House) Maryknoll as more a half-hearted jest getting thrown around between, Sami, Jill, and myself, with no big plans in place. Perhaps we would hand-stitch some for the folks at Grepen (the agronomy center), the henhouse, and some elderly neighbors.

Well, feeling even more in a baking mood than normal – it turns out baking and cleaning are two big stress relievers for this missioner, who’d’a thunk it – I made a batch of peanut butter cookies and figured the good folks at Kay Jezi Mari would also enjoy some. Messaging Brittany, a good friend here, I made the trek over to share the goods. It was so lovely to see her along with Sisters Pat and Jackie, as they’ve been mostly reserved to their house for health safety reasons. Though you’d never know it outside of their greying hair and wisdom, given their vibrancy and joy, both sisters are older, and therefore more susceptible to this virus. At any rate, as I was chatting with Pat, who was waiting with a new sewing machine in hand for someone, Britt asked if I knew how to sew. I said yes, but it had been a minute. Next thing I know, she asks if I’d like to take one too to work on masks. Not a bad deal, cookies for the opportunity to really do some work here!

As God always does, there were much bigger plans at play than I realized as I took a moto taxi home. That weekend, I eagerly told Geri, another good friend here about possibly making several masks using guides shared in the Maryknoll community. On Monday, she reached out to ask what I’d found and shared that Mercy Beyond Borders (MBB), the lovely program she works and I volunteer for, had some funding available if I’d be willing to do it large scale for some health workers and potentially MBB families. Over the next couple of days, we recruited some help from Diana, a fabulous Haitian who is Wonder Woman to me (just truly a fabulous human!), to locate and fairly price materials. She worked her magic and we were set up with the basics. I could never forget my amazing housemates, who jumped at the chance to help with this project. Sami is still hard at work almost every single day (like, homegirl hardly sleeps) at the henhouse while they’re recruiting more help, but she said when she had the chance she could sew too. Jill offered to help cut until we could teach her to sew too. Let me tell y’all, cut is no small thing – we’ve cut perhaps almost 500 pieces of fabric to get started and there’s still a mountain’s worth to get through. She is a Godsend in this sense and I’ve loved getting to work her in this.

Love this housemate/MK member of ours, and our little sleeping cheerleader too!

Sometimes life has a funny way of throwing wrenches in your wheels. I cannot tell you for certain, but I think all the nods I made toward us being our generations’ versions of Rosie the Riveter, or perhaps more fitting, Serena the Sewer, jinxed us a bit. Or, perhaps fitting the Good Friday it occured on, life was providing an opportunity to unite our suffering with that of our Beloved Savior, even if only in a minor way. I got through 5 masks and “kaput” went our machine. By all looks, she’s still operational. However, one tiny, but very important factor is off: the hook timing. In traditional machines, I could open the case and manually adjust the mechanism, but because it’s compact and fused plastic, I can’t fix it without breaking other parts. I tried tricking it, but to no avail. After two hours of unsuccessful attempts, I messaged Geri to ask if MBB still had any old fashioned machines they used when they taught a women’s class. She jumped on the task and had back up plans ready if we needed to shift focus.

Of the many things to love and appreciate about Ger, one is her ability to link people together and get stuff done. While she was making inquiries, we left it for the night. I called my parents, on the verge of tears, I wasn’t ready for this project to have such a big hiccup and was just frustrated that I couldn’t be doing more in the interim. “Well, Goose, you can’t change it, right? It’s frustrating, but it doesn’t mean it’s all up in smoke. So let Geri ask, try to find an older model, and don’t borrow trouble. Breathe.” Moms, amiright? They’re pretty fantastic about knowing what to say. Mom’s told me for years “not to borrow trouble,” and it works almost every time to get me to recenter. This is her way of reminding me it does no good to worry about what I cannot control or worry about things that are yet to come. Worry only takes the space where joy could rest. So, as my mom’s gentle reminder says, instead of worrying about every which way it hasn’t gone right or it could continue to go wrong, I chose to be hopeful about what the next few days would bring.

Geri came over the next day, Holy Saturday, and the three of us, with Sami killing it at the henhouse, had a little mask prep party. We listened to music, laughed, and assembled little kits of the materials needed to make the masks. At the end of our little party, we had almost 100 masks ready to be sewn. Even if we couldn’t do it in our house, we could at least make the process a little easier on whoever would do the sewing.

This Monday, Geri had this antique Singer Sewing Machine delivered to our house, having found success in locating one. As you can see, it is quite something. Determined to conquer this beautiful beast that’s quite possibly more than 3 times my age, I did some research and in a relatively short time, had the old girl threaded. Mind you, I have never had cause to know how to use a treadle sewing machine, so when it came to knowing how to get ole Singer to march, I EPICALLY FAILED! Ask Jill, after a long day, I watched and read tutorial after tutorial trying to get it right, but I couldn’t figure it out. My thread kept jamming and not a stitch was sewn that late afternoon. Calling my mom, she tried to talk me through it, but it still wasn’t working. We determined that there was a piece missing, but that probably wasn’t the problem, and was most definitely an operator error. Sami jumped on and did what she could, but she couldn’t get it either. Once again stepping away, before I totally lost my marbles, I asked Geri if she could get in touch with someone who wouldn’t mind coming to help and perhaps show me what I was doing wrong.

Cut to this morning, a wonderful woman, Madame Marie Jeanne, came over to show me some tricks and tips. Well folks, it was definitely operator error! I had the tension tight, but not tight enough. More importantly, because I was massively unaware of how to gauge the foot pedal, I was causing the jams because I was working against the machine. Funny how that works, machines needing us to run them correctly… Anyhow, Marie Jeanne was exceedingly patient as I struggled – and I mean struggle bus running over me struggled – to get the hang of moving the wheel and then picking up the maneuver with my feet. “Don’t get discouraged! You’re just getting started, give yourself time. You won’t be great today, maybe in a couple of days, but be patient.” She is not the first gentle, kind, and loving Haitian woman to grace me with patience and encourage me, nor do I believe she’ll be the last. Her patience and loving grace was so humbling. She was so supportive and felt a connective love that I think binds us all to one another.

It is the same love that dictates every good act in this time of uncertainty and pain and fear. It is the same love that brings three organizations together to work together to generate a truly important piece in protection and prevention. Kay Jezi Mari didn’t have to offer us the first machine, Geri didn’t have to link us to the resources provided by MBB to be able to make so many masks, we as a community didn’t have to take on this task, and Diana and Madame Marie Jeanne didn’t have to agree to be life savers in tackling this project. 900 masks as a starting goal is admittedly no small undertaking, but it fills my heart to know that so many people are vested in achieving it! And for what? It isn’t for our own merit, it’s because we have the means to help and right now this is the best way to do. This is a big way to show love and support. Some of the recipients will never know us and that’s lovely, acknowledgement is never what mission is about. They will know love and, I pray, they will be better guarded against illness. In our lives, what is a better reward than to know others know love and are empowered?

I know life in this time isn’t a cake walk and despite efforts, there is no glamorizing what this experience is like, nor is it in any way accurate to say everyone is suffering equally in this. I know we see and hear and for some, experience first hand, the hardships of this illness. I know there are so many dying alone, and so many in agony because they cannot be with their loved ones in their final moments. Others are worried about what happens next or how they will recover financially at the end of this tunnel. In underdeveloped countries, such as beloved Haiti, the reality hasn’t even hit. Some are still in denial about it being real, and that is deadly. None of us get out of this unscathed. None of us are wrong for having a rough moment or feeling fear, heartache at what we’ve lost and/or will lose, or sadness at the overwhelming nature of this pandemic. Your feelings are not wrong or right, they simply are: feel it.

I will gently encourage however, do not linger in what overwhelms you. Do not let these hard moments and times entirely still your light and joy. As hard as it is, keep on my loved ones. Keep fighting, for yourselves, for your families, for your neighbors, and for your collective human society. Find the joy and sew the love. Every stitch, be it a smile, a friendly phone call, a kind word, or a simple and profound little prayer, helps us all weave together our story in this. I hope our tapestry in this time continues to show our strength (perhaps especially in being openly not okay and leaning on others), resilience, humor, and above all, our great capacity for love. No matter how dark, hard, and downright ugly we may lean in our capacity as humans, I yet believe our capacity for love is greater. Choose love in the simplest ways each day, and watch how together, we weave a beautiful story of us! Our Maryknoll community continues to hold you all in our prayers, and how we’re able, we are here for you. Remember you are loved and strong and supported. I will keep you updated on how this adventure goes as we become our generation’s Serena the Sewer and tackle 900 of these beauties!

In the rise and fall of us in this changing of an era, as we enter uncharted waters toward the ends of human capacity in trying times, I’ve had some thoughts rumbling around this head of mine:

• Because you know I can be rather wordy, here are the sections in order, so you can pick what you want:
  • On Kindness
  • On Sacrifice
  • On Frustrations & the Cost Uncomfortably Mentioned
  • On the Hope, Even in the Frustrations
  • On the Reality of COVID-19 in Haiti
  • On Gratitude

On Kindness

In the human capacity to fall apart when things go haywire-or more to the current point of our US society working itself toward the makings of an H.P. Lovecraft novel-there also exists the human capacity for kindness. The latter having given me a chance to marvel at the wonder of the less sung and recognized beauty found in the choice of the one enacting it. To act with and in kindness is a choice, and God bless those who have been choosing it, over and over again in the face of this storm. We’ve seen total strangers, with no more than a need known from one humble enough to ask for help, doing all they can to act in kindness and grow the agape in the world. Companies and landlords recognizing the horrible time and position their people are about to be forced into, and doing what they can with their substantial means to alleviate that burden. Stores allocating set times where the most vulnerable to COVID-19 may enter and do their shopping in greater peace and less fear of coming into contact with a healthy carrier. Young people, my generation and the ones directly around me, stepping up to support and protect the older ones by social distancing and running errands/shopping for folks in fear of what they might find on such journeys.

People, taking this truly bizarre and unparalleled time of chaos, and marching forward boldly with kindness and grace. People, who have as much a capacity for fear, hatred, and isolation, choosing kindness in the midst of all this uncertainty and looking from their heart into those of the ones they encounter and deciding, “yeah, their dignity and humanity is worth it. Love is worth it, and right now as I am able, I’m going to help.” It is one of the largest reminders of Christ and his agape love that I have experienced in my 24 years. People acting selflessly because in the face of every variable we cannot control, how much love we pour into the world remains up to us, and there is great freedom in how we choose to respond to what happens to and around us. To those who choose kindness and love every day, especially when the alternatives are a lot easier, thank you, you are an inspiration. To those who look at that as an overwhelming ask, just remember the smallest gift of a smile or a kind word, probably at least 6 feet apart right now, is enough to sow love and turn a day up for someone. It doesn’t take 100,000 people doing 100,000 grand acts of service for others. It takes all of us, doing small acts of love and kindness every day to turn the world right side up and shine light through the stormy moments of life. Try. That is all any of us can ever truly do. More than we realize, our trying is enough to inspire that in others.

On Sacrifice

I am in awe of the great sacrifice we’ve already witnessed as a global society. The sacrifice of doctors, nurses, healthcare workers, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, and friends who give so much of themselves that others might be taken care of and loved. The health care professionals who show up without fail, because there’s work to be done, and their loved ones who wait at home and pray and worry and sometimes cry because of the risk, wow has God blessed us with exceptionally strong individuals! The leaders of the world, making tough decisions that have caused their countries to take some economic blows in order that their people have a better chance. To the people losing so much because of COVID-19.

There are the seniors in university, whom I love and support so much my heart bursts, who have lost their last season of athletics and won’t likely have the opportunity to walk at graduation after all their hard work. My heart breaks with theirs. It is not fair, and it hurts and it is maddening. Just so, my dear teammates and fellow student-athletes, be proud of yourselves, you’ve had amazing success and each of you are so loved and so appreciated. I know this was not a choice many of you got to make, it was decided for you. However, recognize in this moment the choice you do have: you are the one who can choose to have the strength to keep going, to make peace with the unpredictability of life, and to grow where you’ve been tossed. Know that that kind of strength and resilience is not to be taken lightly. For truly, you are inspiring in your refusal to let this keep you down. Thank you for doing what a lot of us sometimes fail to do, and recognizing that your worth is not in what you do or accomplish, but in who you choose to be. Thank you for continuing to choose to be stellar humans, in all aspects of life.

To my fellow teachers and students, I am sorry for the missed opportunities and cathartic experiences found in the community of a well run classroom. I am saddened by the loss of safe places for many, and pray you find new ones in unexpected places during distancing, know always you are loved and supported and there are entire communities of people cheering you on in this life. To the mass interruption of life as we know it, I pray you all quickly find comfort and routine in the new normal. I am so grateful for modern technology which will enable you to continue on in your discovery of the world and it’s workings. I also encourage you, coming from a country where my students are not so fortunate and find themselves on the brink of yet another unprecedented and unknown long break from their education, to please find moments of gratitude for the gift you have in your education. Even when it is not ideal. Think of my kids, of all the kids in this world robbed of their right to education by forces beyond their control. If you find yourself lacking motivation for yourself, choose kindness and do it for them until we can get back in the class, pursue excellence for them, do all you can to discover what awaits you in this world. You’ve been blessed with a beautiful gift, and we here do not begrudge you that. Rather, we ask you to embrace it fully for us and use it to empower this world, to affect the changes necessary to make sure the future is a net positive one for us all. Do this, I pray, that our students and teachers throughout the world are not sacrificing this time we do not get back in vain. Thank you in advance for diving into the beautiful gift you’ve been given, we know it is no small thing.

To my fellow missioners throughout the world, making the hard decision to go home, without knowing when or if you’ll be able to return to a people and place that will forever hold part of your heart, my heart goes out to you. I know it is a decision not lightly made and I pray for you in this time that you remain healthy and carry the beauty, wisdom, and love of your life in mission with you every day. To my fellow missioners who have chosen to stay, I pray we continue to follow where God calls us, however that starts to look. Courage dearheart, God has called us to these people and these places for a reason, trust and forever look for the light and love in this time. Please, take care of yourselves and be safe, for your family, both here and in our origin homes. To the soldiers and overseas workers who do not have a choice in staying but are choosing to do their best even so, thank you for your service and your sacrifice. To our families, loving us through it all, supporting us even when you don’t fully understand our crazy decision to live the lives we do and even when the distance becomes even more painfully real, your strength gives us strength and your sacrifice is not unnoticed in all of this.

On Frustration & the Cost Uncomfortably Mentioned

Y’all, I really wish this wasn’t necessary. I wish the biggest problem I was writing about was that I still sometimes feel way in over my head with this life I’m blessed to live. If that were the case, everyone could relate to that and the problem would be so small, like me in relation to the myriad stars I witness in the roaming indigo skies on nights of breathtaking silent wonder in beautiful Haiti. Alas, some of the stuff that I have witnessed in the face of this outbreak are frustrating as hell and frankly, there is no excuse. If you want to skip to the happy ending, now is your time.

Just as the pendulum swings toward kindness, with the right shove, so too can it swing toward panic induced frenzies. I cannot get over the sci-fi-esque nature of what is going on in the states right now. It boggles my mind that people really think they need to bulk buy toilet paper and other material possessions, in enough packages to last for two months as if we’re heading into the apocalypse. Of course, then I think of the irresponsibility of the media types and it is not that hard to see where the loss of minds originates. It defies belief that people are so consumed in the sensationalism the media is selling them that they are letting their fear make decisions for them. I am appalled by the way the media is inciting a panic. There is a way to justly relay the news and the import of taking care of ourselves and others in this pandemic without inciting a panic. I think in some ways, this has been blown out of proportion and in all ways, folks need to check their facts. I truly hope the distancing works and people take the herd immunity to heart, so that our healthcare providers can get ahead of this thing. Otherwise every single sacrifice made in pursuit of ending this will be for not. Bottom line, don’t be selfish, even if you’d “survive Corona,” there are a plethora of auto-immune deficient/non-existent folks who won’t be so lucky if we don’t take this seriously. Be prepared for the virus hitting close to home and just be responsible. Make sure the sacrifices result in something positive.

It flat out angers me that people have and are going to continue to lose their jobs because of this phenomenon. Unfortunately, what a lot of the people building toilet paper shelters don’t seem to slow down enough to see is the mass number of folks who are going to be most hurt by this – the poorest members of our society and our world. There is not enough in place to offset what our society is asking them to sacrifice. In this, the sacrifice is too much. This, my friends, is the cost seldom and uncomfortably mentioned. I’m frustrated. Frustrated because once again (it is becoming an annoying occurrence in adulthood), I see these gross problems in the world and feel so limited in my ability to combat them. The 2 in me is dying a little every day I see the other realities at play of social distancing and the apparent lack of conversation about what happens to those most burdened by this.

I am led to question what exactly our government has in plan for everyone losing their job in this wave of distancing. I sincerely worry about what our staggering homeless population is going to have to rely on if everything gets shut down and resources do end up running short. We already have problems adequately taking care of them, and I am genuinely worried what happens now that these new rules are in play about distancing. For these folks losing their jobs, I worry if their insurance and living arrangements will not follow in the loss department. God forbid they or the people relying on them get this virus, I do not see a feasible way for them to recover. Especially when the damn test for it runs a $1000 a pop. I am enraged at these companies severe lack of ethics. The same money hungry lack of ethics that enable them to try and justify the absurd and unrealistic costs of insulin and epi-pens, because, you know, people don’t need to live or anything…

On the Hope, Even in the Frustrations

In rather dramatic fashion, I recently saw a statement in one of the Haiti Update groups of which I am a part which discussed our options in this new and evolving era of humanity. “You can rest today or you can fret today but it wont change tomorrow…it will only change how you lived today. You get to choose how you want to live the next 24 hours.” If you can get past the slightly hallmark way of saying it (which let’s be honest, if you read my stuff, you know you love it) the point is valid. We can choose to be consumed by the fear, by the uncertainty in all of this, and in that fall to a dark place in our humanity. Or, we can resolve ourselves to the reality we are all a part of this, rise, and continue to live in the best ways we can.

In shouldering our part of this historic event, I continually see reasons to hope because of the kindness I see people choosing for no other reason than kindness’ sake. This opens the door for us to take care of one another, to do what we are able for our neighbor, with what we can, even as we ourselves are being placed in positions that ask much of us. Everyone can give something, and no, I don’t mean physically. Do the world and yourself a favor, remember five humans or things that still give you joy, even locked in isolation, five things that still make you laugh, five things that give you cause to feel safe. I really believe what we put into the world has more of an impact than any of us get to fully understand in this life. Do not lose hope, there is an end to this, and even we cannot know exactly when, we do know that it will end. Continue on, because others don’t even have that option. I mentioned our students here, who do not have the luxury of online school. Stay dedicated for them, keep doing what you do so the world goes on when this is over.

On Friday, some of the schools called the kids in to discuss with them what is happening and why we must shut down for another period of time before sending them home for an unknown time. The ones who come to Jezi Mari also received an egg. My greatest fear is what their nutrition will start to look like in the best case scenario of this being over in two months. The same extends to those children in the US and throughout the world who rely on school programs to secure their nourishment. Even in the face of this, I must cling to hope. I have seen a lot of good people stepping up to make meals for families who could use support. My cousin’s wife, in a move that made me so proud and so humbled, posted something online that all anyone needed to do was ask for help and she and my cousin would do what they could to help. As much as this situation is sometimes out of our hands, I maintain hope that we, as a people, will continue to support one another. The best part about this is that hope is there and we can be a part of it irrespective of who we vote for, our color, our creed, our age, our intellect, our gender, or any other label we love to slap on ourselves. To hope is to human well.

In all of this too is the trust that gifts us hope. It is to some cheesy and cliché, but I believe there is great opportunity for trusting in all of this as well. I do not understand this in the same way I don’t understand the mass amounts of suffering I see first hand in the world. I shake my head, with tears on the verge of falling, at the utter injustice of seeing my beautiful, amazing students once again having their education put on pause for things far out of their control. I harrumph quite often in recent conversations with God about my utter lack of ability to do much about it. All this and still I trust, because I know, despite the innate sense of NEEDING (or at least that’s what the enneagram 1 in me makes me think when I don’t feel in control) to know the plan and back up plans to feel comfortable, I know that God’s got this. To be honest, the irony of my work here is the feeling of going through another long night of the soul in this chapter of life. I know God is there by the love, the hope, the rolling-laughter-inducing-humor, and the wonder I get to experience every day with my kids and friends in this blessed place. I know God is there, I can see it clearly, but in the private moments, I find myself wanting to feel our Creator. So, I continue to trust, and in so doing find hope in what we can do in this time of great unknown.

Continue to learn, my lovely humans, to discover, to dream, to pursue, to work, and most importantly, continue in the pursuit of love, compassion, and the little acts of kindness that mean far more than we fully know. Talk with God, be honest about what you’re feeling, you’ll not be judged for it. You’re not weak for having moments of fear, of sadness, of longing. Nor are you wrong for them. Being human means a wide range of emotions that can hit us all at once. It is totally okay. If you, like me, have found yourself becoming detached from the relationship you desperately need with our Beloved Abba, use this time to stop running and plant yourself. If you’re anything like me, it’s uncomfortable as hell to get over yourself and get back to a place of vulnerability with God, but with nowhere else to go, why not begin again?

In finding God, and becoming so lost in the marvel of our Creator, we can find ourselves, we find where we are called, and perhaps in this time of great unknowns and uncertainty, we find the strength to be courageous and love in the face of fear. To be a community to all ends of our society, especially those most affected by this change – the poor. Cling to hope, be a reason of hope in someone else’s life, and never stop believing that the light you hold in you is so needed in this world, no other light could ever hope to replace it. As I said, it will not take 100,000 people doing this perfectly, it will take us all taking a very human crack at it and working together to get to the other side of this, and God! How beautiful that day will be as we celebrate the victory of our kindness, our sacrifices, our support of one another, our refusal to overlook the most vulnerable and most affected, and our choice to be the best of what our humanity can be! My friends, that, that is the day that anchors my hope. Chin up, we can and will do this, as there is air in our lungs, we have the chance to do something beautiful with it!

I cannot tell you what hope in this looks like for you, but I can tell you that it is there, find it and let it fuel your capacity for kindness, love, and the best of who we get to be and choose as humans!

On the Reality of COVID-19 in Haiti

As it stands, Haiti, as of March 19, has two official cases and we are moving toward a full on lock-down. No one in or out of this country not flying merchandise, and we are severely undersupplied to try and combat this virus. American Airlines is flying empty planes today and tomorrow to try and bring home U.S. citizens and we just got word this morning that Eastern Airlines is another option for US citizens to evacuate Haiti and return home to ride out COVID-19. To present knowledge, these are the only exceptions, and they are not even guaranteed.

My beloved Maryknoll community, our awesome friend Geri, the good RJM sisters and Brittany, along with myself, are staying put. The way most of us are looking at this, we ride it out here, and are able to respond first when we do get to the other side of this, or we go through the headache of trying to get home and ride it out there, with no known guarantee of when we’d get to return to our beloved Haiti. For us, even carefully considered, the choice was not too hard.

As I mentioned before, the reality of COVID-19 hits Haiti, and other countries like it, in similar fashion – harder than the rest of the world. People in countries like here are asked to sacrifice far more than others. These kids and teachers do not have the luxury of moving class online. I am glad I went to the school on Friday, I heard some commentary about what the adults here are feeling about this situation and I think it is really important:

“With the president blocking everything, how will people live? They have no means. We’ve already suffered so much. How will people take care of themselves and their children?” Madame Carlin, one of beautiful preschool teachers expressed. There was a certain amount of head shaking going on as we all contemplated the gravity of the situation here. Another teacher, Madam Raymonde added, “If you’re the president and you block everything, okay, but after that? What means are you giving people in place of their work?” With everything shut down, even if in the good attempt to curve the spread, what leaders here and in many places haven’t talked about or, even worse, considered, is the effect of a mass shut down on people’s livelihoods. In walking with Geri and Jill, our spectacular and full of light new missioner, we discussed that unlike the US, which is in current talk of $1 trillion plan to help us recover, Haiti doesn’t have a feasible recovery option.

In trying to keep the peace and stay grounded in what we can do with a situation out of our hands, Madame Elliotte, another of our endearing pre-k teachers, simply stated, “We know what juices work to help with which part of nutrition. Citrus and grapefruit help give us important vitamins.” She discussed for a minute the various juices and what they help the body do. She then went on to say, “We have to take care of ourselves, keep ourselves clean, and lookout for one another.” In a gentle way, I think she was reminding us that it is up to us what we do, we cannot rely on the leaders to fix everything themselves or have all the answers. We have to ban together to get through this. “I agree, but what about the people who have to walk [great distances] to get water? Are they going to get arrested for trying to live?” Zamene, a second grade teacher voiced. Again, we all shook our heads, though I do not honestly think the people who must make four hour trips just to retrieve water will be condemned for that. Her comment does, however, point to the critical problem we face here, a problem on the verge of becoming even more critical: water supply. It is hard to effectively wash hands to stave off germs and clean when clean, accessible (both in cost and location) water is in short supply and high demand.

Honestly, no matter how we look at it, people lose a lot in this mess, and no one more than our students. With all the schooling they lost in the fall, and now what they are losing, there is a question of whether or not they’ll just start the same year over again. This of course, leads to another question, can you justly ask the parents to pay for the same school year they already sacrificed for? It is a hard thing to come to terms with in mission, the imbalance of the world. I come from such a place of opportunity and privilege and had so much afforded me I didn’t ever have cause to fully appreciate it until coming here. And now, I cannot even see my kids every day while we wait this out. At least in the fall I could show up and be there. Now, like them, I look at the next several weeks and wonder, what’s next? In the same way they motivate me to press on in the smaller hard moments here, they are some of my biggest reasons for pushing on through this bigger hard moment. I cannot wait to embrace them all again and share the love that exists in my heart for each of them.

We continue to monitor the situation here in Haiti, and stay active and hopeful as we begin to plan quarantine. I honestly cannot tell you what will happen if/when it hits the community here, just that I believe it will not be pretty. In the same amazing fashion I’ve watched this country and her people weather lockdowns, protests, closings of schools and businesses, and hardship unknown to so many in the world, Haiti and the people strong enough to be Haitian will get through this. I do ask that if you can provide no other support, please pray for us, please hold onto hope with us, please keep living and dreaming and pursuing what life calls you toward, and in honor of the people here, recognize the gifts that surround you, for surely, so many of them are not available to others. In no way are you begrudged for being blessed as you are, I simply ask that you live as gratefully as you are able, to live and love, act kindly and give as you are able in return.

On Gratitude

To the health care workers going to work every day, showing up, and working overtime to get ahead of this thing, all with a smile on your face, I commend you. You are so appreciated and so needed. To their families, who sometimes wait in worry for them to come home okay, thank you for letting them be real life superheroes, we could not get through this without them and they could not get through this without you. Thank you for being their real life superheroes. To the moms and dads going a little stir crazy with their minis bouncing off the walls, thank you for loving them in only the ways you can and for keeping your family safe. Thank you for your patience and support of them in this challenging time. We see you and holy cow, we think you’re killing it! To my fellow “youngins” doing what they can to be a light and gift in this time, well done. For continuing your education and pursuit of your goals even when it’s really tempting to let distractions get the best of you, bravo! To showing how selfless we, as young people with good hearts, can be, the love you’re sowing now is going to continue to do big things. You are seen and you are appreciated.

To our “elders” still finding the humor and the joy in life, and the time to instill lessons, thank you for trusting us to do right by you, thank you for showing us how to hold on to hope and happiness in the crazier sides of life. To the families of missioners who continue to support us in this unpredictable and unnerving chapter, thank you. Your love is in an agape form most of the time we are so far from you, but especially now, when the reality of that distance hits even harder. Thank you for trusting us, for trusting God to be guiding us. Your sacrifice in letting us go can never be over-appreciated, and know we carry that love with us every day. It empowers us more than words have the words to properly convey.

To you all, thank you for your continued support and thoughts. I pray you are all well, cared for, and know that you are super loved. May this time, despite the uncertainty and sacrifice being asked of you, be a time of growth, love, and peace. Be well. Agape!

To my favorite tiny humans, most of whom are still too little to read this blog, I miss you all crazy and I am so grateful for the gifts that allow me to still be part of your lives. Keep up the good work and do the good things. Be nice to mom and dad for me, okay? They’re working overtime to be who you need them to be. To my amazing siblings, by blood or marriage, thank you for continuing to make me laugh, an entire ocean away, and for continuing to show me better ways to love others. To our parents, the greatest anchors and cheer squad we could ever have, thanks homies, I know it isn’t always easy on you, this amazing, crazy, beautiful, hard, giving, full, and loving life of mine, but your support means everything. Take care of yourselves and yes, please fully expect more dinosaur memes and video messages at random times of the day!

Ineffability seems to be the best way to capture the last few months of summer in beautiful Haiti. So much has happened, and in the continued becoming and discovering of myself during mission, I find myself struggling to put words to all of it. I’ve been blessed with many magnificent little moments as well as a few moving big ones. Just so, in typical Abby fashion, I’ll do my best to share about growth, and the invariably uncomfortable moments that occasionally accompany it, as well as those moments that will someday be my “good old days.”

So let’s take it back to July for a second. One of the cool things Jezi Mari school does is host a camp all month long for some of its students and surrounding neighborhood kids. In total, we averaged about 300 kids a day who walked through the gate of the school for a fun and safe environment where they could just be kids for a moment. A typical day goes from morning salutations and animation (camp counselors leading songs and getting the kids ready for a day of fun), followed by breakfast, then an hour of recreation at any one of our 20 stations, followed by a walk to the river (if it was clean/safe that day), and back for lunch. After lunch there was arts and crafts and one final big animation before the kids went home for the day. The work was simple, help fill juice cups, help the counselors, and spend time doing what I love, working with kids and getting them to smile and laugh.

It was a beautiful experience getting to know the kids better and outside of school as well as meet some pretty awesome peers who clearly love the work we did. The walks to the river were some of my favorite little moments from camp as they allowed for conversations between the counselors and us volunteers. On more of the social side of mission, and one that is far and wide more a gift than work, is the coming to understand and appreciate the global views of others. It was super informative to learn about the counselors opinions, especially from Jacky (one of the most amazing humans, maybe ever, pictured above hugging another amazing human, Vivian), or his brother Jackson (also pretty bona fide). We discussed everything from politics both here and in the US, none of us are happy with the way things are functioning, to foreigners working in another country and the responsibilities that entails, or simply about the dynamics of relationships among friends, barring cultural differences.

I’ll forever be grateful for my first round of Kan Klaudin, as it forced me to come out of my shell and use the language I had been so worried to mess up. The ennegram 2 of me (hello lover of others and desire to please EVERYONE), coupled with my strong 1 wing (hello hyper self criticism), make for a fun time… I want to make others happy, as that is truly when I am at my happiest. I hold myself to some pretty high-and admittedly crazy-expectations at times. As I’m discovering more and more, one of the less fun things you learn as you go is that someone will always have something negative to say about your progress. If you let it, it will drag you down and deplete so much of your energy. It’s a hard won battle, but I am working to a place where what others think of me truly isn’t my business. I’m going to keep trying, struggling, laughing at mix ups, and growing.

Therein is the discomfort and occasional pain of growth. You get tested, you sometimes fall, but you pick yourself up and keep going with the knowledge of how not to fall the same way again. In the same beautiful, blended stroke, therein is also the opportunity to do something else hard for me, ask for and accept help. The counselors, like Jacky, Chelda, and Jackson, were patient with my continued learning and sometimes extensive questions, and laughed with me when I switched stuff up. Of life’s many blessings, good friends who affirm and support you are among some of the best. For the blans (foreigners), I am also greatly blessed to call them friends. From our bright leaders, Aileen with a wicked and perfectly timed sense of humor and Geri, whose love for this place and these people abounds, to Maria, who went all in for her first time in Haiti and was a great sounding board for advice (this social worker definitely knows what she’s doing!), to the young and fun one, Vivian, whose love of life is evident in every smile and high energy encounter, it was an amazing group.

After Kan Klodin in the morning for the middle weeks of July, we’d venture to English Camp with Geri and some of the MBB scholars. The girls worked with several different interactive games and packets to hone their English skills with some fun counselors: Wendy, Lamaj, Juno, and Stanley. Our job was to get involved with them and help as we were able to make camp a wholesome experience. Under Geri’s leadership, it went quite well and I loved getting to know some of the scholars in the MBB program I volunteer with each week. They’re brilliant, driven, funny, and such beautiful young women who are already active members of a better future for Haiti and her people. I have no doubt that these girls will go on to achieve great things, because they have the drive and love to get them there.

It is not summer itself I love, but rather its moments, its memories, its glorious ability to grant me the awareness of being in one of those good old days before they become the good old days. This is not to say the other seasons do not have these lovely tiles in the mosaic of life, but as one who has and will continue to have the most time off in the summer, I notice them more then. In truth, I do not like the heat save for the joy I take in swimming and would almost always take a richly vibrant fall day in a sweater and jeans over a sweltering one in summer when its all I can do but fall in a nearby body of water. Just so, I am grateful for the moments that make the expression “almost always” different from “always.” In the middle of Kan Klodin and at it’s conclusion, before running full force into MBB’s Leadership camp in August, we took pause to enjoy a couple of beach trips. They were stunning and glorious steps away from the hustle and bustle of life at home. We were afforded some of those moments of awareness of what will be “the good old days” when we’re older and in different chapters of life, as we chatted in the back of a truck for a few hours on the way to Saint Marc, which hosts one of the most beautiful beaches I’ve experienced in life, or chilled at the Kaliko to conclude Kan Klodin and send off Aileen and Maria in style.

One of the things I find so appealing about MBB is it’s desire to see the future developed in the present. By this, I mean taking our youngest classes, having just finished seventh and eighth grade, and providing them a week long leadership camp respectively. The girls went through a series of trust building and community exercises and got thrown some questions about themselves and the world some had not yet encountered. It was a good opportunity to see who was a leader among leaders, and give many an opportunity to find their voice in a strong community. For Vivian, Geri, and myself, it afforded us an opportunity to get to know some of the younger members of MBB. Seeing how they worked together, getting to hear their bright, passionate, and hopeful responses about themselves, their country, and the future did wonders to reignite some of my own flame.

Yes we live in a world that is burning up and running out of resources with people that seem to live to hurt other people. Yes, Haiti and the United States both have less than desirable political climates that create many problems for their citizens, more it seems than solutions. Yes, there will continue to be problems as long as humans have a say in things. And yes, if all you choose to see is the dark, the muck, the hurt, the broken, then that is all you allow the world to be. Yet, if like the girls discussed, you can also see the light, the help, the healing, and the color that still comes from broken crayons, the world becomes much more complex and glorious and most of all, hopeful. I got to practice my Kreyòl in a fun and slightly intimidating way with the girls. I lead an activity that dealt with times when we had something difficult happen and how we responded.

Using the example from a couple blogs past, when I had two cringy experiences with 8 legged hellions in as many minutes, I discussed our control in situations. As I’ve done with classes in the states, we discussed that the reality of life is that we control very little of what happens to or around us. However, what we can and must control is our response to both. The girls took over the conversation for a bit (go them!) and talked about staying grounded in who they are and the importance of progressing, come what may. In this and other discussions, they presented their leadership capacities. Leadership is knowing a storm will come, bracing yourself and those around you, and facing it head on. It is also knowing hits will come and refusing to be beat, taking accountability, and knowing when to ask for support. All of which the girls demonstrated in some form or fashion in these weeks. I am thrilled to get to work with MBB and see how far these brilliant young women go!

When Jonathan, the funny and charismatic director of Mercy Beyond Borders, talked to me about their library and getting it up to date, I was curious to see how far we could take the system in my first project with them post camp. It was a labor of love getting each book cataloged and updated on a new online system. Even more when it came to making and affixing barcodes for each of our almost 600 books and counting (some of which had no known ISBN when I started). Absolutely worth it! We can now scan directly to our system and know which books have been checked out with this great app. I also made QR codes for each of our scholars that go on their lovely ID cards the wonderful Mr. Huguens-MBB’s computer teacher and a good friend-made. Another small project I got knocked off for MBB was establishing a check in/out system. It is simple but effective in terms of data collection about the wonderful learning center and its uses. With MBB, I’m currently working on knocking out some MLA, APA, and French style reference examples for when they go to write research papers, shout out to my former boss Steve for the hook up with the MLA/APA templates. I love this organization and am so happy to get to work with them in various capacities! It allows me the comfort of quantitative results, which fuels the less quantifiable aspects of my ministries.

And as the summer set on August and dawned to greet a slightly less hot September, I felt the nostalgic twinge of excitement as we edged closer to the start of school for our students. The familiar tingle from the tips of my toes to the edge of my nose grew stronger the closer we got. And for those of you who know what happened this first week back to school, no I don’t think it was the salmonella doing that, haha! (I’ll touch back on that in a second). My excitement for us to get back into the groove of school in Fon Ibo was put on pause for another week under the wise discretion of our fabulous school director, Leny. You see, one of those things we don’t control happening around us is the current gas crisis that is doing some serious damage. For the past few weeks, there’s been a major, and I mean MAJOR gas shortage that’s gotten worse each day. Black market sells in some places are $14 U.S. a gallon.

That is not sustainable in any state in the U.S., let alone in a country where most people are lucky to make $8 a day. This past week gas arrived in Port-au-Prince, yet it cannot reach us in the north or those in the south. This is the result of people-once again-blocking the national roads with demonstrations and manifestations that will work no better than the others that have happened in the past year. Several of us, Haitians and ex-pats alike, have vented our frustrations with one another about how counterproductive such activity is here. When the demonstrators do this stuff, it isn’t hurting those in power, only those on the same level as them. Keeping kids from being able to go to school, people from safely getting to the hospital, gas from reaching places so people can support their livelihoods, none of this has an impact on the politicians more interested in fighting each other than fighting for Haiti.

I try to keep it positive about Haiti, so much of what we hear in the states is riddled with the single story nonsense about her brokenness and ever re-opened wounds. However, the gas crisis is a big part of the present reality I want people to understand. None of us have asked for this, this crummy situation which makes me want to throw my hammer 100 times to cool off. So, what do we do? In the words of our MBB girls, we don’t just sit and do nothing, we keep moving, we regroup, we plan, and we get to work despite all the chaos because our kids need us and deserve an education. In addition to my lack of control over the country’s current frustrations, I also unfortunately cannot control when I get sick *necessarily*. This first week back to school did not quite go as I planned. I started to get quite ill early Monday morning but thought I could push through, we were going back to school, dang it! And I sure didn’t want to miss a thing.

Well folks, my body at the behest of a certain nasty bacteria called salmonella had other plans. I quickly found myself at the hospital here in town seeking some medical assistance. I’ll spare the gory details and just say I kept getting sick throughout waiting to see the doctor and during my visit with the doctor, who promptly decided I would be spending the day at the hospital, stuck to an IV. I’m grateful to have a mission partner here, who came over right away to help me. I was doing pretty okay with translating my issues but I kept getting dizzy and had a hard time grasping communicating effectively in my own language, let alone my developing one. Sami took over so I could drift in and out of consciousness as they gave me various medicines to help with my severe dehydration and nausea. I’d wake up and have color back and some energy, fall asleep, then wake up looking whiter than marshmallow puff.

Once again, growth in the uncomfortable, I was made to let others help me. I was so grateful to have nurses so dedicated to making sure my fever was squashed and I got to feeling better. One gently took a cool washcloth and washed my face and kept adding new cool clothes to my forehead and stomach and-life hack-armpits to draw some of the fever out. I was muttering incoherent and weak “thank yous” as she hummed a sweet Haitian lullaby and quietly told me I’d be okay. I’ve taken some nasty falls and have banged up my body quite badly without too many shed tears – you get tougher the more you wipe out, which hello, it’s me… However, I take full ownership that I am not the toughest when it comes to being quite ill, trying to work on it! With this in mind, I was so touched by her kindness and love for her work as I drifted off again. I ended up needing to stay the night. Not realizing it was happening until she came back, overnight bag in hand, Geri came to spend the night with me in the hospital so Sami could go get some much deserved rest. After a full day running things while Jonathan was trying to get to vacation, she selflessly came to hang out with my lethargic self and keep watch. She communicated with the nurse the three times she came to administer meds in the night ( I was only vaguely aware of one visit) and just offered the gift of presence. I am still humbled by the love and support shown to me in a not so fun time.

When I finally felt more myself and got back for my first day of school on Thursday, it was back to the books, literally. Vivian has worked her tail off to cover the near 2500 books Sr. Pat ordered for our kiddos. I joined her in the labor intensive work. It takes a bit of time for each book, and we’ve got a long way to go, but we are making progress and that is exciting. Aside from this, I am so pumped to start the book project I discussed last time with the 5th and 4th grade classes. We begin this week and I am equal parts nervous and excited to push myself to dive into working directly with both the teachers and the students. It’s an open door to more stumbles and successes and all the learning that accompanies both. Stay tuned to see what we accomplish with it!

I’ve been blessed in the past 3 months to have several moments of realizing I was happy as I was happy. In these perfect moments, I was so content with life, so at peace, and so in love with who I got to be in them and with whom I got to experience them. There was the moment of comforting serenity watching big blue waves roll in on soft, inviting white sand as I sat with some friends in shared wonder, simply getting to exist together in that time and place, exactly as we were, without needing to exchange words. There was the soul-inspiring sunset behind the sisters’ house, you know the kind that warms you inside out, and leaves you grinning ear-to-ear in blissful contentment, on top of a small “mountain” while kids flew homemade kites and I lost myself and my words in the moment of majesty regarding the beauty all around me. Such moments are some of my favorite reminders of God’s presence. There was the one where I returned for another sunset, this time solo, and allowed myself to marvel through writing like I hadn’t in a long time, and regained a synchronized heartbeat with Abba. Then there was the one where the beautiful women who lead our kitchen during Kan Klodin, Annis and Jazzy, showed Vivian and I how to make some of our favorite Haitian dishes with endearing patience and mothers’ abiding love, laughing with us and with strong hands that have built a lifetime, gently guiding us through the process. Annis concluded by telling us, “and now, we’re family.” There exists even more, but these are among my favorite perfect moments. I hope you are all well and have your own experiences with living fully in the moments that find home in “the good old days.” – Agape!

Of the many beautiful things Haiti has taught me since opening her arms to me, the art of slowing down is one proving to be a continuing lesson. I walk the same 1.5 mile route to the school where my ministry is taking shape, sometimes four times a day. In the first walk of my day, as kids in various brightly colored uniforms meander to school (or full on sprint depending on the morning they’re having!), I spend time reflecting on various things and in conversation with God, asking for guidance in the day and opportunities to share life with these wonderful humans. It’s a bit of jaunt, dodging motos, kamyons (big trucks), and the many women walking with enormous bundles on their heads to market, but it’s a firm part of life down here. And in the many moments where I wait for any of the three to pass, I’m afforded the chance to engage with someone, ask them how they are, and talk about whatever is going on around us. It’s simple, but in this slowing down of things, something I don’t do often enough in the states, I find little joys I might have otherwise missed. I often end up walking the last part of the dirt road hand-in-hand with some of the 500 students the school hosts.

Our community has many people, but is far from being considered a big town, let alone a city. We are surrounded by mountains on virtually all sides, which is refreshing when you come from a state flatter than a pancake (yes Dorothy, we’re not in Kansas anymore)! You can walk anywhere in town under an hour. The Jesus Mary school I’ve been working with, run by the Religious of Jesus and Mary sisters, has many students who can’t afford education. The sisters do a lot to provide these kids with a solid education. The instructors are great, and work well with the students. Like with the rest of the country, many people struggle to find work. There are several families that are classified below poverty, labeled to be living in abject misery. The need for better living is great, and education is the foundation for getting there. One of the amazing things about the school is that it provides a meal for the children after recess. This is huge, as for many, it might be the only one they receive each day. As a result of the school taking care of some basic needs, the students are able to better focus on their education. Just so, like with students anywhere, there are still some who seem adamantly opposed to education. That is one of the things I am trying to work with the teachers to improve.

Arriving at school, the students are usually finishing up with morning announcements, prayer, and saluting the flag. I then decide which class I want to work with that day, and ask the instructor if I can sit with them. Herein lies one of my main ministries (so far). I observe what the teachers do, recording notes on method, strategies, and how the kids are responding. After lessons, I talk with the instructor about how it went, we discuss what was awesome, what seemed to be difficult, and what we might use to improve the lesson even more. We also discuss potential projects and what resources would be needed to make them a reality.

For instance, one of the first grade teachers used an example of the students’ mothers cutting up a zaboka (avocado) or chadek (grapefruit) to help give the kids a visual for understanding basic geometric principles in how shapes can be divided. In one of the absolute best moments we teachers get to see, a lot of light bulbs turned on as the kids who had been struggling made the connection! It was great, and afterward she and I started brainstorming ideas for how to use that same idea and bring even more discovery into the lesson. We now have plans to bring actual fruit into a similar lesson, to give the kids a kinesthetic experience and get hands on with the lesson. Bonus, they also get a nutritious and delicious snack! To continue with the same concept, we’re planning a science lesson to attach to this, so we can get the kids in the dirt, learning about planting and agriculture using the seeds from their math snacks!

When the students work individually on math and in their Kreyòl workbooks, I walk around and work with them if they need help, or find ways I can bombard them with encouragement and praise. When it comes to their French lessons, let’s just say I do what I can to make them smile, because unlike them, I am so lost! Seriously, why does that language feel the need to have a fifteen letter word that only verbalizes six of those letters?! At any rate, I’m grateful for these moments, as they allow me to actively engage with them and make strong connections. Recess is a great time in the day, as it again allows me to get hands on with the kids during the endless games we play. For my first and second graders, tag – the kind where it’s all students v. Abby – is their favorite, and man I get my workout in for the day with this one! With my older students, I cheer on the boys as they play soccer (practically everyone’s favorite sport in Haiti) and talk with the girls as they fuss with my hair or sunglasses or ask for pictures. They are so curious about why only some of my hair is blonde, and struggle to believe I don’t have it dyed that way.

In the afternoons Monday through Wednesday, I come back to school after lunch to help with soccer. Mind you, of the many different sports my parents had me participate in when I was growing, soccer was never one of them. I have done a lot of research since coming here and fortunately, one of the instructors is the main coach and has actually played for the town’s team. We work with them on agilities and drills before we let them scrimmage. Herein lies my other main ministry. I’m in the process of establishing a sports program between four of the schools here. I have locked in a donor deal with a sports facility in the US, who has agreed to donate many resources for us to get this up and running. This however, is in it’s infancy, and has been a big instructor in the art of patience and slowing down (at times a painful growth for me). It is my hope that the directors of the schools, the coaches, and myself can work together to have the schools start competing together as early as next year.

One of the facets of this program I’ve orchestrated with the director of my main school and coach is a “Second Chance” program. If the students agree to three things, they are allowed to come to practices or music or art, even if they don’t have the grade they need for it. The students are required to have a 5.5 average score (out of 10 possible) to participate. However, with this new program we’re starting, if they come to school on time, don’t have unexcused absences, and come to tutoring after school two times a week, we give them a second chance. We want them to be able to participate, and if they show they’re committed to trying to do better, then they earn certain graces. I have always been blessed when it comes to education. I just get it. However, I know so many wonderful, intelligent, and gifted humans who had a hell of a time in school. I have so much respect for them, and I am so blessed by the lessons they’ve taught me about being human. I know full well school is hard for a lot of people, and that’s even without a hard home life or hunger that many of our kids face. Therefore, to give them the benefit of the doubt and surround them with as much support as possible while still giving them autonomy, we developed “Second Chance.” Everyone, children especially, deserve to have things that make them happy, that enable them to feel a sense of self-pride and love. Sports, music, and art are some of those things that kids can thrive in without thriving in academics. So an opportunity to work in both is great!

Another project I am so excited to have us start in the fall will be taking place in the fifth grade classrooms. I took it from one I got to do when I was in middle school. The teachers and I are working together to develop this project, which will involve both big and little students. We’ll have the fifth graders go through the process of drafting, writing, and illustrating children’s books in Kreyòl! I approached them with this project because I noticed the library lacked many books in the native language, but had many in French and English. We want the kids to take pride in the language and culture that is theirs, and this project provides that opportunity well! It also gives the big kids a chance to show off their story telling and artistic skills. When the students finish their final drafts, they will get to share them with the younger grades, who have a set time for learning the grammar and written portions of Kreyòl. I can’t wait to see how this works!

In one of the funnier instances I’ve had with the kids at soccer practice, I was reminded of the power of laughter and of the grace I need to give myself far more often than I do. Last week we had so much rain, even for the rainy season. At any rate, during the older boys’ practice, one started to lose the bottom of his shoe. Trying to make sure his foot was protected from the elements, I ran into the school storage room and grabbed bright orange “Gorilla Tape.” You know, the stuff that’s supposed to be one of the strongest holds? I had him sit down for a minute as I went to work, trying to mend his shoe. The other students there and our coach, Sony, watched in mild amusement as the toe part of his shoe was being transformed into this bright orange point. He looked at me with curiosity and maybe a little doubt, but went right back to playing. I kid you not, maybe 30 seconds later, he went to kick the ball and with it went this lovely formed duct-tape impression of the toe part of his shoe and the sole, which had just completely come off. Everyone erupted into laughter, Sony and I looked at each other and also broke out laughing. Our little trooper simply kicked off his shoes and went to work to help his team win the scrimmage. That day I’d been wondering, rather negatively, at my efforts here. I just didn’t feel like I was contributing like I thought I would be when I came into this line of living.

I had this idea that each day I’d be super hands on in how “I can make a difference.” What has been asked of me since being here is much different, much less about my own ideas on how to fix the world. Humility is a necessity for life, especially one which takes place in another land and culture than one’s native roots. It’s not about me having it all figure out or rushing from one thing to the next, which my native culture shouts from the roof tops to do in order to have success and happiness. Haiti has gently and over the time I’ve been here, asked me to take a step back, slow down, look, listen, and learn. Seeing life through the Haitian culture is beautiful, not at all points, as with any other, and expresses the idea of what it is to be human in a uniquely Haitian vision. How one life relates to another, how we serve one another as brother and sister, how we share in the pain and hurt as well as the joy and the love; we are, all of us, connected.

In the unbecoming of Abby, young woman who “had to have it all figured out to function,” I’ve been allowed to enter into the becoming of Abbagail, young woman who is learning to slow down and enjoy the journey to who God’s asked me to be, and trust that I don’t have to have it all together all the time. I have learned to take on spiders on my own, to take hold of an opportunity to sit down to eat with a friend, that soccer is absolutely more fun in the pouring rain (just ask my girls!), there’s a certain freedom when you’re riding on the back of a moto as it zips through town, there is no taste quite like a fresh mango, and when love is invested, so too is life. And what an absolutely crazy, wonderful, chaotic, glorious life it is proving to be!

I still struggle every day at some point with the language, I’ve been at it for about six months, so it’s still coming. I am quite sure it’ll still be coming when I end this contract! We can always be learning more, even in our native tongue. It’s still frustrating for me to understand more than I can speak right now, but that too is coming, and I have to remember to give myself grace. I am so grateful for the patience of the people here, who let me try a few times if I need to get out what I want to say. Haiti’s gifted me with that reminder too, to give myself grace, the same as I would give any other human in my position. I do not know why so many of us are reluctant to grace ourselves with love, when we so willingly do it for others. A dear friend, missioning beautifully in Bolivia, voiced what I knew but needed to hear, “self-care is crucial to success in mission and you need to give yourself a break. If you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot justly take care of others.” Haiti is teaching me to love myself in ways I didn’t know I needed. In so doing, I am better able to love in return. To love better; this is the greatest gift, honor, and lesson I could ever hope to pull from mission. And so I go on, in the discovery of new ways to love and live better with the time God’s given me. I continue growing, struggling, rising, and discovering all the time. I am, among all peoples, most richly blessed.